We'll never know

This is for all the single, married, divorced, widowed individuals, who
take life for granted. Please, read this story until the end, it is such an
eye opener.

You never Know.........!

Just two years after our marriage, hubby brought up the idea of asking

Mother to move from the rural hometown and spend her remaining years

with us. Hubby's father passed away while he was still very young. Mother

endured much hardship and struggled all on her own to provide for him, see

him through to a university degree. You could say that she suffered a great

deal and did everything you could expect of a woman to bring hubby to where

he is today. I immediately agreed and started packing the spare room, which

has a balcony facing the South to let her enjoy the sunshine and plant

greenery.

Hubby stood in the bright room, and suddenly just picked me up and

started spinning round and round. As I begged him to put me down, he said:

"Lets go fetch mother." Hubby is tall and big sized and I love to test on

his chest and enjoy the feeling that he could pick me up at any moment put

the tiny me into his pockets.

Whenever we have an argument and both refuses to back down, he would

pick me up and spin me over his head continuously until I surrender and beg

for mercy. I became addicted to this kind of panic-joy feeling.

Mother brought along her countryside habits and lifestyle with her. For

example; I am so used to buying flowers to decorate the living room,

she&nb! sp; ;could not stand it and would comment: "I do not know how you

young people spend your money, why do you buy flowers for? You also can't eat

flowers!"

I smiled and said: "Mum, with flowers in the house, our mood will also

become better." Mother continues to grumble away, and hubby

smiled: "Mum, this is a city-people's habit; slowly you will get use to

it."

Mother stopped saying anything. But every time thereafter, whenever

came home with flowers, she would ask me how much it costs. I told her and

she would shake her head and express displeasure. Sometimes, when I come

home with lots of shopping bags, she would ask each and every item how much they

cost, I would tell her honestly and she would get even more upset about it.

Hubby playfully pinched my nose and said: "You little fool, just don't tell

her the full price of everything would solve it."

There begins the friction to our otherwise happy lifestyle.

Mother hates it most when hubby wakes up early to prepare the breakfast.

In your view, how could the man of the house cook for the wife? At the

breakfast table, mother facial expression is always like the dark

clouds before a thunderstorm and I would pretend not to notice. She would

use her chopsticks and make a lot of noise with it as her silent protest.

As I am a dance teacher in the Children's Palace and am exhausted from

along day of dancing around, I do not wish to give up the luxury of that

additional few minutes in the comfort of my bed and hence I turned a

deaf ear to all the protest mother makes. From time to time, mother

would help out with some housework, but soon her help created

additional work for me. For example: she would keep all kinds of plastic

bags accumulating them so that she sell them later on, and resulted in our house being filled

with all the trash bags; she would scrimp on dish washing detergent when

helping to wash the dishes and so as not to hurt her feelings, I would quietly wash

them again.

One day, late at night, mother saw me quietly washing the dishes, and "Bam"

she slams her bedroom door and cried very loudly in her room. Hubby was

placed in a difficult position, and after that, he did not speak to me for

that entire night. I pretended to be a spoilt child, tried acting cute, but

he totally ignored me.... I got mad and asked him: "What did I do wrong?"

Hubby stared at me and said: "Can't you just give in to her once? We

couldn't possibly die eating from a bowl however unclean it is, right?"

After that incident, for a long period of time, mother did not speak to

me and you can feel that there is a very awkward feeling hanging in the

house.

During that period of cold war, hubby was caught in dilemma as to who

to please.In order to stop her son from having to prepare breakfast, mother took

on the "all important" task of preparing breakfast without any

prompting. At the breakfast table, mother would look at hubby happily

eating his breakfast and cast that reprimanding stare at me for having failed to

perform my duty as a wife. To avoid the embarrassing breakfast situation, I resorted

to buying my own breakfast on my way to work. That night, while in bed,

hubby was a little upset and asked me: "LD, is it because you think that

mum's cooking is not clean that's why you chose not to eat at home?" He

then turned his back on me and left me alone in tears as feeling of unfairness

overwhelmed me. After some time, hubby sighed: "LD, just for me, can

you! &n bsp; have breakfast at home?" I am left with no choice but to

return to the breakfast table.

The next morning, I was having porridge prepared by mother and I felt a

sudden churn in my stomach and everything inside seem to be rushing up

my throat. I tried to suppress the urge to throw up but I could not. I

threw down the bowl, rushed into the washroom, and vomited everything

out. Just as I was catching my breath, I saw mother crying and grumbling

very loudly in her dialect, hubby was standing at the washroom doorway staring at

me with fire burning in his eyes.. I opened my mouth but no words came

out of it, I really did not mean it.

We had our very first big fight that day; mother took a look at us, then

stood up and slowly made her way out of the house. Hubby gave me a

final stare in the eye and followed mother down the stairs. For three days,

hubby did not return home, not even a phone call. I was so furious, since mother

arrived; I had been trying my best and putting up with her, what else do

you want me to do? For no reason, I keep having the feeling to throw up and I

simply have not appetite for food, coupled with all the events

happening at home, I was at then low point in my life.

Finally, a colleague said: "LD, you look terrible; you should go and

see a doctor." The doctor confirmed that I am pregnant.

Now it became clear to me why I threw up that fateful morning, a sense

of sadness floated through that otherwise happy news. Why didn't hubby,

and mother who had been through this before, thought of the possibility of

this being the reason that day? At the hospital entrance, I saw my hubby

standing there. It had only been three days, but h! e looked haggard. I had wanted

to turn and leave, but one look at him and my heart soften, I couldn't

resist and called out to him. He followed my voice and finally found me but

he pretended that he doesn't know me; he has that disgusted look in his

eyes that cut right through my heart. I told myself not to look at him

anymore, and hail a cab. At that moment, I have such a strong urge inside

me to shout to my hubby: "Darling, I am having your baby!" and have him lift me

up and spin me around in circles of joy. What I wanted didn't happen and as I

sat in the cab, my tears started rolling down. Why? Why our love couldn't even withstand the test of one

fight?

Back home, I lay on the bed thinking about my hubby, and the disgusted look

in his eyes. I cried and wet the corner of the blanket. That night, sound

of the drawers opening woke me up.

I switched on the lights and I saw hubby with tears rolling down his face.

He was removing the money. I stared at him in silence; he ignored me, took the bank deposit book and some money

and left the house. Maybe he really intends to leave me for good. What a

rational man, so clear-cut in love and money matters.

I gave a few dried laugh and tears starting streaming down again. The next day, I did not go to work.

I wanted to clear this out and have a good talk with hubby. I reached his

office and his secretary gave me a weird look and said: "Mr. Tan's

mother had a traffic accident and is now in the hospital." I stood there in

shock. I rushed to the hospital and by the time I

found hubby, mother had already passed away. Hubby did not look at me, his

face was expressionless.

I looked at mother's pale white and thin face and I couldn't control the t!

ears in my eyes. My god, how could this happen?

Throughout the funeral, hubby did not say a single word to me, with

only the occasional disgusted stare at me. I only managed to find out brief

facts about the accident from other people. That day, after mother left the

house, she walked in dazed toward the bus stop, apparently intending to go

back to her old house back in the countryside. As hubby ran after her, she

tried to walk faster and as she tried to cross the street, a public bus

came and hit her...I finally understood how much hubby must hate me, if I had not

thrown up that morning, if we had not quarreled, if....In his heart, I am

indirectly the killer of his mother.

Hubby moved into mother's room and came home every night with a strong

liquor smell on him. And me, I am buried under the guilt and self-pity

and could hardly breathe. I wanted to explain to him, tell him that we are

going to have our baby soon, but each time, I saw the dead look in his

eyes, all the words I have at the brink of my mouth just fell back in. I had

rather he hit me real hard or give me a big and thorough scolding though

none of these events happening had been my fault at all. Many days of suffocating

silence went by and as the days went by, hubby came home later and later.

The deadlock between us continues, we were living together like strangers

who don't know each other. I am like the dead knot in his heart.

One day, I passed by a western restaurant, looking into the glass window, I

saw hubby and a girl sitting facing each other and he very lightly brushed

her hair for her, I understood what it meant. After recovering from that

moment of shock, I entered the restaurant, stood in front of my hubby

and stared hard at him, not a tear in my eyes. I have nothing to say to

him, and there is no need to say anything. The girl looked at me, looks at

hubby, stands up and wanted to go, hubby stretched out his hand and stopped

her. He stared back at me,challenging me. I can only hear my slow heart

beat,beating, one by one as if at the brink of death. I eventually backed down,

if I had stood that any longer, I will collapse together with the baby

inside me. That night, he did not come home; he had chosen to use that as

away to indicate to me: Following mother's death so did our love for each

other.

He did not come home anymore after that. Sometimes, when I returned home

from work, I can tell that the cupboard had been touched - he had

returned to take some of his stuff. I no longer wish to call him; the

initial desire to explain everything to him vanished. I lived alone; I go

for my medical checkups alone, my heart breaks again and again every time I see a

guy carefully helping his wife through the physical examination. My office

colleagues hinted to me to consider aborting the baby, I told them No, I

will not.. I insisted on having to this baby, perhaps it is my way of

repaying mother for causing her death. One day, I came home and I saw hubby

sitting in the living room. The whole house was filled with cigarette

smoke. On the coffee table, there was this piece of paper. I know what it

is all about without even looking at it. In the two months plus of living

alone, I have gradually learned to find peace within myself. I looked at

him, removed my hat and said: "You wait a while, I will sign." He looked at

me,mixed feelings in his eye! s, just like mine. As I hang up my coat, I keep

repeating to myself "You cannot cry, you cannot cry..." my eyes hurt

terribly, but I refused to let tears come out from there. After I hung up my coat,

hubby's eyes stared fixed at my bulging tummy.

I smiled, walked over to the coffee table and pulled the paper towards me.

Without even looking at what it says, I signed my name on

it and pushed the paper to him. "LD, are you pregnant?" Since mother's

accident, this is the first time he spoke to me. I could not control my

tears any further and they fell like raindrops. I said: "Yes, but its ok, you can

leave now." He did not go, in the dark, we sat, facing each other.

Hubby slowly moved over me, his tears wet the blanket. In my heart,

everything seems so far away, so far that even if I sprint, I could never

reach them. I cannot remember how many times he repeated "sorry" to me. I had

originally thought that I would forgive him, but now I can't. In the

western restaurant, in front of that girl, that cold look in his eyes, I will never

forget, ever. We have drawn such deep scars in each other's heart.

For me, it's unintentional; for him, totally intentional. I had been

waiting for this moment of reconciliation, but I realized now, what had

gone past is gone forever and could not repeated.

Other than the thought of the baby inside me that would bring some warmth

to my heart, I am totally cold towards him, I no longer eat anything he

buys for me, I don't take any presents from him and I stopped talking to

him. From the moment I signed on that piece of paper, marriage and love had

vanished from my heart. Sometimes, hubby will try to come into the bedroom,

but when he walks in, I wil! l walk o ut to the living room. He had no

choice but to sleep in mother's room. At night, from his room, I can hear

light sounds of groaning, I kept quiet. This used to be his trick; last

time,whenever I ignore him, he would fake illness and I will surrender and find

out what is wrong with him, he would then grab me and laugh. He has

forgotten that last time I cared for him and am concerned because there was

love, but now, what is there between us? Hubby's groaning came on and

off continuing but I continuously ignored him. Almost everyday, he would

buy something for the baby, infant products, children products and books

that kids like to read.

Bags and bags of it stacked inside his room till it is full. I know he is

trying to use this to reach out to me, but I am no longer moved by his

actions. He has no choice but to lock himself in his room and I can hear his typing away on

his computer keyboard, maybe he is now addicted to web surfing but none of

that matters to me anymore. It was sometime towards the end of spring in the

following year, one late night, I screamed because of a sudden stomach

pain,hubby came rushing into the room, its like he did not change and sleep, and

had been waiting for this moment. He carried me and ran down the

stairs,stopped a car, holding my hand very tightly and kept wiping the

sweat off my brow, throughout the journey to the hospital. Once we reached

the hospital, he carried me and hurried into the delivery suite. Lying on

the back of his skinny but warmth body, a thought crossed my mind: In my lifetime, who else

would love me as much as he did? He held the delivery suite door opened and

watch me go in; his warm eyes caused me to manage a smile at him despite! my cont raction pain.

Coming out of the delivery room, hubby looked at our son and me, eyes tear

with joy and he kept smiling. I reached out and touched his hand. Hubby

looked at me, smiling and then he slowly collapsed onto the floor. I cried

out for him in pain... He smiled, but without opening that tired eyes of

his... I had thought that I would never shed any tear for him, but the truth is, I have

never felt a deeper pain cutting through my body at that moment. Doctor

said that by the time hubby discovered he had liver cancer, it was already

in terminal stage and it was a miracle that he managed to last this long. I

asked the doctor when he first discovered he had cancer. Doctor said about

5 months ago and consoled me saying: "Prepare for his funeral."

I disregarded the nurse's objection and rushed home, I went into his room

and checked his computer, and a suffocating pain hitsme. Hubby's cancer was

discovered 5 months ago, his groaning was real, and I had thought that...

the computer showed over 200 thousand words he wrote for our son:

"Son, just for you, I have persisted, to be able to take a look at you

before I fall, is my biggest wish now... I know that in your life, you will

have many happiness and maybe some setbacks, if only I can accompany you

throughout that journey, how nice would it be. But daddy now no longer has

that chance. Daddy has written inside here all the possible difficulties

and problems you may encounter during your lifetime, when you meet with these

problems, you can refer to daddy's suggestion....

Son, after writing these 200 thousand words, I feel as if I have

accompanied you through life journey. To be honest, daddy is very happy. Do

love your mother, she has suffered, she is the one who loves you most and

also the one who loves me most..." From play school to primary school, to

secondary, university, to work and even in dealing with questions of love,

everything big and small was written there.

Hubby has also written a letter for me:

"My dear, to marry you is my biggest happiness, forgive me for the pain I

have caused you, forgive me for not telling you my illness, because I want

to see you be in a joyful mood waiting for the arrival of our baby...My

dear, if you cried, it means that you have forgiven me and I would smile,

thank you for loving me...These presents, I'm afraid I cannot give them to

our son personally, could you help me to give some of them to him every

year, the dates on what to give when are all written on the packaging... "

Going back to the hospital, hubby is still in coma. I brought our son over

and place him beside him. I said: "Open your eyes and smile, I want our son

to remember being in the warmth of your arms..." He struggled to open his

eyes and managed a weak smile. Our son still in his arms was happily waving

his tiny hands in the air. I press the button on the camera and the sound

of the shutter rang through the air as tears slowly rolled down my face.... A

fatal misunderstanding and the person who loves me the most in this world

is gone forever..."Cruel misunderstandings one after another disrupted the

blissful footsteps to our family. Our originals intend of having Mother

enjoy some quiet and peaceful moments in her remaining years with us went

terribly wrong as destiny's secret is finally revealed at a price, every

thing became too late."........

This is a true story.





LEARNING POINT - DO NOT EVER HOLD ON TO OFFENSES!!!



I am totally speechless, this story brought tears to my eyes as I read
through each line eager to know what would happen next. It truly showed
the devastating power of grudges and anger! Simple humility and communication
would have resolved most of the problems in that story, as well as
patience.... 
This story has really touched my heart and life as a whole
and it has stimulated a paradigm shift. Though it is very sad, it is also
very refreshing to know that from today, I can consciously start to
live a life free of grudge. People please let's live a life devoid of grudge.

' Communication is the key '.

Take greatest care and live on.